It’s been a really tough road towards recovery and I’ve been in a really bad place lately. I know I usually start these posts off on a much lighter note; but today, I figured I’d just jump right into the nitty-gritty of things and explain what’s been going on in my life. So buckle up, get your prayer hands ready, because it’s going to be a heavy load…
It all started after I got out of the hospital and finished quarantining from having the coronavirus and double pneumonia, which I talked about in full detail in my last post, “The Lord Is Good!!!” Once that finished, it seemed like the people I live with suddenly forgot that the world was dealing with a serious, deadly pandemic, and that they were still living with a person who was still recovering from this very disease. I wasn’t vaccinated for there’s no vaccination invented yet for this disease. I wasn’t cured for there is no cure! I wasn’t even feeling better! All that happened was that I was cleared to come out of quarantine. All that meant was that I wasn’t contagious anymore. It didn’t mean that I was feeling any better, nor that I couldn’t catch this coronavirus disease again. It just meant I wasn’t contagious anymore! Simple as that. Yet, somehow they thought and treated me as if I was all better. They treated me as if I had a common cold.
Allow me to be perfectly clear and very frank, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about this coronavirus is COMMON! IT SHOULD NOT BE TREATED, NOR TAKEN LIGHTLY!!! For those that are asymptotic, like my mother was, they don’t understand the severe pain and other debilitating symptoms this disease causes on the lungs, chest, heart and other bodily functions. Recovery time is not just a few days, or even weeks for many of us who contract this disease. I got diagnosed and hospitalized May 4th. It’s now July 22nd, and I’m still in recovery, dealing with the effects of this disease. I have scarring on my chest cavity. I still can’t breathe deeply into my lungs. I can’t walk properly without feeling faint and almost passing out. I still have difficulty breathing (aka shortness of breath), short term memory loss, sore throats, etc., just to name a few of my on-going symptoms. So, I get very upset when people, especially those whom I live with, aren’t taking this pandemic seriously. They’ve stopped wearing masks. They have people over the house, even though they don’t know if that person has been tested or not. They go out to cookouts, parties, one person smokes weed in the house knowing it bothers my asthma and breathing with this coronavirus, they all go to functions where there will be a lot of people with no regards to social distancing orders. None of them wear gloves when they go outside. They’ve stopped wiping down and disinfecting everything daily in the house. It’s just been business as usual before this pandemic began. As I’ve witnessed this behavior, I’ve grown weary, frustrated, my anxiety levels have flared, and I’ve become more depressed feeling like my voice and life doesn’t matter since no one is taking into account how serious this disease is, nor any regard for my life and the fact that I have a weakened immune system. No matter how many times I’ve tried to voice my feelings, it’s fallen on death’s ears. They just do not care!
It’s very frustrating having a disease that no one understands. If you talk to anyone that has it, that are symptomatic, they’ll tell you the same thing. People look at you strange, perplexed that you are still having symptoms. Society believes that you have to fall into two categories based on what the news reports: either part of the coronavirus death toll or part of the coronavirus success rates. What about us that are alive, but still recovering? Where’s the headlines for us? Where’s the research study being done about us? Hello, newsflash: WE DO EXIST! We are out here, in our homes, hospital beds, apartments, or wherever trying to survive and recover from this disease. Even though we still have our symptoms past the 2-3 week, 14 day standard mark that the scientist have put out, we are not and should not be ignored. I personally feel like if there was more research being done on people like me, and more data being spoken in the media that we do exist and that many of us aren’t overcoming this disease as quickly as others, then maybe our families, friends, loved ones, and even our doctors and health care providers wouldn’t treat us like lepers, unclean people who they just can’t understand and therefore don’t want to be around or be bothered with caring about their health just because their symptoms are taking longer than expected to recover from.
Every time I go to the doctors for my appointments, they ask me questions about coronavirus symptoms. However, each time I answer truthfully, they become nervous and try to immediately cancel my appointment. It isn’t until further investigation and a bunch of back and forth with the staff, that I am allowed to see my doctors, who are fully aware of my condition because they are the ones who scheduled the appointment in the first place. At home, having this disease isn’t easy either. They know my symptoms, see that I need help getting and moving around, and yet very rarely offer any support. If I ask it, I’ll receive attitude and frustration that I’m not better yet. Having this disease is horrible enough without everyone treating you so badly! As you try to stay strong physically, trying your best to “get well soon,” emotionally and mentally you’re a wreak inside because your dealing with the heaviness of having a disease that has taken over and is controlling your body. Plus, not having the support or understanding of people you live with, the doctors or nursing staff is an added stressor. Then, there’s the spiritual aspect of this whole ordeal because you feel like where’s God in all of this!?!
I’ve had so many moments where this experience has tested my faith. Each day, I am brought to tears crying out to God, and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for answers, deliverance, a miracle, patience, understanding, wisdom, guidance and strength to carry on. To be honest, there have been some days where the pain, weakness and heaviness of it all has even had me crying out for death. Sometimes, this life just gets to you. It can be so cruel, and the weight can seem just too much to handle, and the people around just add more pressure of burden and despair. When all of these emotions began to bubble up inside of me like a pot of water on a stove that was once simmering and now the fire has been turned up to get the water boiling over, I began to get angry inside. This is a feeling I’ve never had before. This was something new to me, almost like another foreign invader, like the coronavirus, taken over my body, mind and emotions. I felt like I had no control. I was angry at everything. I was angry at the people I lived with for not caring about me and my feelings, my health, nor for respecting my life and my voice. I was angry at the doctors for not having any answers for my condition, even though I knew that this disease is new and that they are still studying and learning how this disease works long term. I was angry for contracting this disease and for the carelessness of others who aren’t taking it seriously. I was angry that I wasn’t getting any better. I was just angry! Again, it was an emotion that I hadn’t felt before. I usually keep a lid on my emotions, but this time I just had a rage inside of me that was screaming to be let out. I needed help and I needed God!
Thanks be unto God for prayer because when I felt the rage boiling over inside of me, ready to burst out, I came to God, alone in my room and I cried out to Him, confessing how angry I was and that things had to change soon. I needed Him to lift this burden from me, and for Him to work a miracle fast because I felt like I couldn’t hold on any longer. I even prayed that if things didn’t change, that I’d be spared and taken out of this world and brought back to Him because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of my life! After my prayer, I cried and reached out to two of my friends expressing my frustrations. Thank God that I have some good people surrounding me that are praying for me. You need those types of people in your life for when you get so low and deep in your depression, anger, or frustrating state, they can reach out, grab ahold of you, and pray for you. They helped pull me back up so that I could get my joy back. They spoke life to me through encouraging words, nice things they saw in me, and how God is and will continue to use me. They believed I had a purpose and that I must hold on to fulfill that purpose. They told me to believe that The Lord sees me, hears my pain, knows my heart, bottles up every tear, and that He will get me through. Receiving those words were just what I needed to help me carry on.
So, I leave you all with this little note: if you’re like me, whether suffering from the coronavirus, pneumonia, any other health issues or disease, mental health problems, or just any other issues, stressful situations or drama in your life, and you feel like you can’t fight the battle anymore; just pray, hold on for change is coming. No, my change hasn’t arrived yet, but a change in perspective has. My spirit is renewed and I’m feeling uplifted because of the Holy Spirit moving and coming in at just the right moment to engulf me with a warmth of encouragement, peace, love and a reminder that I have to try to keep going. Though the road is tough, though the fight feels horrible at times, though the baggage just seems too much to bare, it’s up to us that are still living to find some purpose in life and keep on going, fighting everyday to stay in God’s loving arms and surrounded by His joy and peace. Find something that puts a fire in your heart and belly, and that makes you want to get up every morning, and make a change in the world and community around you. That could be anything. Maybe your calling or purpose is to be a boys or girls scouts leader, so that you can build them up and lead them in the right direction to be better, positive role models in their future. Maybe your calling / purpose is to be a teacher so that you can teach the next generation to be whatever their hearts desire is as long as they do so with integrity, kindness, compassion, empathy, respect for others and equality. Maybe your calling or purpose is to serve God in some way, shape or form. Listen, I don’t know what your gifts or talents are, but use them wisely. God gave them to you for a reason. Yes, life is full of hardships and pain; but, we can choose to let those hardships and pain get the better of us, or we can channel our pain into something more constructive and allow it to encourage, help empower others, and in turn help us overcome our own trials, so that we can rejoice in triumph! It’s up to you the path you choose and how you choose to channel your emotions! This is how I choose to channel mines! God bless you and I pray my true testimony be a blessing unto you!
Sincerely with love,
Travel photography by IG user: @christofs70