Quite often I’ve been asked about why I’ve stopped writing, the truth is I’m tired of being in this state of sickness and depression, and I’m tired of writing about it. I know that may sound moronic to some, especially since I started this process to help myself through this process, but I didn’t think my healing would take so long to come. I was hoping that my health would be a quick fix, but it hasn’t. It’s been one thing after another, after another, after another. Every time I think it’s getting better, something happens, and I’m knocked four steps backwards. When this happens￼￼, it drives me further down into a state of hopelessness and a feeling that my long suffering will never cease.
My health issues began a little over 3 years ago when I suddenly began having heavy, painful menstrual cycles that would last for days, sometimes weeks. For one whole year, I ignored this problem believing it to be a sudden normal thing that happened to women who suddenly turned 30. It wasn’t until I started having severe complications with my asthma, that sparked a rush to the emergency room in late September 2018. From there, a whole list of complications arose and I was admitted into the hospital due to asthma, respiratory infection, low oxygen levels, low blood levels, iron deficiency anemia, etc. I didn’t know it yet, but by me ignoring my heavy periods, it was killing me.
After a week long stay in the hospital, I was discharged due to my own recklessness. I didn’t want to be in the hospital anymore. This would come back to bite me in the butt a few days later. I was tired of being in that uncomfortable hospital bed. I was tired of being poked and prodded all day and night. Since I’m a vegan and have an intolerance to gluten, I was tired of not being served adequate food (I live in a city where they’re still slowly learning about gluten free diets), and I didn’t want to be stuck in the hospital for my birthday. I know I may sound like a spoiled brat, but think about it, would you want to be in my shoes?
So, I came out the hospital to celebrate my birthday with my friends at a nice quiet dinner at my favorite vegan restaurant called Vedge, but just a few days later I was back in the hospital. This time, I could barely walk, talk, my skin was pale and my blood levels had dropped so low that the doctors were concerned that I was going to die. So, they called in my hematologist to decide whether or not to do a blood transfusion. After careful consideration, weighing both my current state of emergency as well as the repercussions of a blood transfusion, my hematologist decided it would be best to try iron IV treatments instead, and see if my body would produce its own blood cells rather than risk complications with having a blood transfusion. It worked with minor complications, though it was a short term fix. The ultimate goal was for me to have surgery on my uterus to remove the fibroid tumors causing me to bleed out so heavily.
Fast forward to last November 2019, I was finally scheduled for surgery to have the tumors removed. It took awhile due to the doctors wanting to run more tests, other health issues I was having taken care of by other doctors, another surgery being done on my right hand, etc. Plus, mentally, I had to prepare myself for such a massive undertaking as was this particular surgery. If anything goes wrong, my uterus can be scarred and I’ll never be able to have children. Since I’m still young enough to potentially have one or many, I’d like to keep that option open if I can for the future Mr. Whoever whenever I get married. Anyways, enough of that talk for now. So, I was all prepared for surgery, when suddenly I got sick with an upper respiratory infection and laryngitis. My vital signs were through the roof, so my doctors cancelled the surgery until I got better. I was frustrated to say the least. Every time it seemed that we were all ready to pull the trigger on surgery, the doctors would either come up with another test they’d want to perform, or another issue would arise with my health.
Finally, two weeks ago on February 13th, I went into the hospital for this long awaited surgery to remove these fibroid tumors from my uterus. I couldn’t believe the day had finally arrived. As I moved about the morning, doing everything the hospital staff told me to do, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Since so much delayed the progress leading up to this day, I just knew something was going to go wrong to stop the surgery from happening. Up until the time I fell asleep under the anesthesia, I prayed and prayed for my miracle to occur, asking God to stop the bleeding, remove the tumors and let the surgery be successful. I specifically prayed Psalms 23 and Matthew 6:9-13 (also known as The Lord’s Prayer). Before I knew it, I was waking up, and I couldn’t breathe. Gasping for air, I could barely see the bright lights moving around me. I motioned with the little strength I had for someone near me to get me a breathing treatment. I was having an asthma attack. I could make out a woman’s voice, and she recognized my hand gestures. Right away, she got me two breathing treatments and told me that the doctors would be right over to talk to me. Since I was on a breathing tube during surgery, I needed a few breathing treatments before I could breathe on my own again.
It took a while, but once they moved me out of recovery and to a room, when the doctors finally arrived, they told me the dreaded news that I did not want to hear. The other shoe had dropped. My surgery was unsuccessful. They didn’t remove my tumors because something went wrong during surgery, and they had to stop or risk further damage. They apologized for the accidental damage they caused during surgery, and said it would take time to heal. As I started to drift into a state of numbness, I could hear the head surgeon continue with his informational speech about how he would not attempt another surgery for risk of my health. I was completely devastated and felt my heart crumble inside as I sat in my hospital bed in defeat. How could this happen?? How could God not provide my long awaited miracle? What am I to do now? Lord, what is going to happen to me now???
“Just then a woman who had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding came up behind him. She touched the fringe of his robe, for she thought, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment.” (Matthew 9:20-22 NLT)
Yes, ironically, I find my life mirroring the life of the woman centuries ago during the time when Jesus Christ walked the earth. Just like her, I am facing the same challenge. The only exception, I don’t have The Lord’s garment to touch to be healed, nor did I get my miracle. Yet, still I cry out begging for one. So, will it come? What’s my next move until it does? I can look for other medical opinions, but will surgery be the safest thing to do especially when the one surgeon who saw my situation with his own eyes says it’s risky and unsafe? Am I playing Russian roulette with my life? However, doing nothing isn’t helping the situation neither. Lord, I feel so lost, alone, confused and I don’t know what to do. My mind says try surgery again, but I’m afraid of the outcome. Will I be in a vegetative state trying to save a uterus that’s not meant to be saved? Maybe I’m not meant to be a mother. In this situation, all I have left to do is pray because I don’t have any answers left, and my head hurts from trying to figure it all out.
So, I lift my hands in defeat begging God for mercy, asking for a miracle once again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which way to go. I don’t know where to turn, but up. I lay all my cards down. I pick up my cross and follow Christ. I lay my pain, the blood, the shame of it all, the embarrassment, the depression, the fear of the unknown, and the sadness of it all not working out at the alter. I bring it to your feet and I ask for grace. Please Lord, heal me like you did her. In the name of Jesus, I beg of you Amen.
Sincerely with love,
Travel photography by IG user: @Christofs70