Today is just one of those days that I’m feeling rather… well… blah! I can’t really describe the feeling, so it’s easier to say it’s just one of those days that a girl goes through. I’m not trying to be biased or clump us all into one category of emotions as I’m sure there are men that go through days like these as well. The title came to me as I was thinking about how to sum up what today, and the last couple of days, have been like for me.
Today, is a day when you just feel like all of your efforts are wasted because your hopes, wishes, dreams and prayers seem like they’re not going to come to pass, or rather they are not going to happen as fast as you would like them to. Today’s a day when you feel doubt that your situation will ever turn around. It’s a day when you feel like it’s going to take you too long to achieve a goal you thought you were so close to achieving. It’s a day when you feel like the sickness in your body is winning and you are losing the fight for healing. Today’s a day when nothing you eat tastes good and nothing you drink quenches your thirst. Today’s a day when you just feel so drained, overwhelmed and exhausted from the rat race of getting things done. Yup, it’s just that kind of day that I’m talking about.
How does one go about describing those feelings when there’s so many emotions going on at once? I feel happy to be alive, yet sad because I’m not living up to my own expectations. I feel irritated by the pain in my body from this carpel tunnel syndrome that seems to only be getting worse. I feel doubt that I’ll ever be healed for my prayers have not been answered yet concerning total healing in my body. I feel disappointment in the fact that I may not be able to complete my memoir by my deadline date. I feel lost at how to fix my body and the situation I’m in and helpless that I can’t do anything about it. I feel exhausted and drained from the energy it takes just to do simple, daily tasks. I feel overwhelmed by everything that has to get done and I feel confused as to why all of this is happening to me now!!!
These feelings that I’m having all started less than three days ago after experiencing yet another setback. Last week, I was feeling back to my old self. My hand and wrist weren’t hurting anymore, I thought I was completely healed, I had organized the next six months of my schedule accordingly and I was finally starting to feel like I could take a deep breath because everything was coming together rather nicely. I was singing praises to the Lord for answering some of my many prayers! Feeling back to my old self, I dived head first back into writing my memoir in hopes to be finished by my deadline.
The first couple of days were a breeze. I wrote with ease as the words poured out of me like a beautiful waterfall on a fresh summer’s day. I was feeling so good that I wrote for hours. Quickly, days turned into nights and I was still in the same position on my bed writing. I did not want to stop for I had a lot of lost time to make up for. Before long, I noticed I was logging in 6-8 hours of writing each day with little room for food and rest. I took no breaks and I never stopped writing. I thought I was free and clear of this carpel tunnel condition and all I could think about was how much progress I needed to make in order to reach my goal.
Lo and behold, it was just a matter of time before that carpel tunnel condition reared it’s ugly, painful head back into my life. I dreaded the thought of going through that painful swelling and discomfort I’d been experiencing since November 2017. Yet as soon as Tuesday morning hit, my fears were my reality as I looked helplessly at my hand, wrist and arm swelling and throbbing with pain. I couldn’t even wear my clothes comfortably as everything was super tight and hard to get on due to the swelling. Finally, after I could take the pain no longer, I rushed over to the nearest hospital.
After going through tons of tests, poking and prodding to rule out diabetes and blood clots, they came back with the same diagnosis, “You have carpel tunnel and now we want you to wear a brace at all times and see a hand specialist!” I moaned and groaned after hearing this news. I did not want to hear that it was something as serious as blood clots, but the Lord knows I hate wearing that darn brace. Wearing a brace makes it quite difficult for me to write and do many activities that I easily achieve when I have two healthy, working hands. Not to mention, I can’t afford to see a specialist at this time and my memoir has been delayed long enough. Now, just as I was gaining momentum on making this dream come true, here comes another flaw I have to deal with.
God, what am I going to do now?
I left the hospital asking this question. I have been praying for healing for months, yet to no avail. I have been working out consistently, minus a week or two off, and still no results. I’ve faithfully studied my bible everyday and continue to recite uplifting mantras and scriptures to keep me focused and going, yet I’m feeling disappointed. Everyday I fight hard to keep myself encouraged and believe that my big day will come; yet, I’m still in the same predicament dealing with this same painful condition that I’ve had for months.
With tears in my eyes, I cried out, “Lord I need you. If I’m doing the right thing, then why attack the tools I use to do the assignment you’ve given me. You’ve given me the gift of words and the ability to write, but why are my tools constantly under attack? Lord, why am I going through this now when I’ve been doing what you’ve told me to do? If I’m doing it wrong, tell me so I can do it right. Show me the way because I am lost and confused. Give me guidance and grant me healing. If you just speak the words, I know it shall be done. Lord, what am I doing wrong? Please hear me, I need answers!”
After saying that prayer, I started to hear a song I love replay in my head. As if I was wearing headphones, I could hear the words blaring softly in my mind like a lullaby. I tried to cheer up, even giving myself a little pep talk, but to my dismay, I was still feeling a bit down and out. Just as I was feeling doubtful, I turned back to my Bible and found Judges 6 & 7 scheduled on my reading to do list. So I opened up to the chapters and began to read about a man named Gideon. He was a judge chosen by God to lead Israel to victory over the Midianites. While reading his story in the Bible, two things stuck out to me:
- Although Gideon was chosen by God, he had doubts.
- Even with Gideon’s doubts, God still kept His word and used Gideon to do great things for His people.
Studying this word showed me that it’s okay to have doubts and it’s okay to question God. The key is to be obedient to His instructions in spite of the fears and doubts for that’s the very essence of faith. Regardless of our circumstances and our dim, bias vision at seeing the victory in our lives, we must keep moving forward.
““Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7 NLT)
If God spoke to us or gave us a vision or a dream to achieve, then we must do it and believe that He will see it through to the end. If we do what the Lord says and follow the path He’s chosen for us to take, He will not lead us to defeat but rather to our victory!
““I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can close. You have little strength, yet you obeyed my word and did not deny me…” “Because you have obeyed my command to persevere, I will protect you from the great time of testing that will come upon the whole world to test those who belong to this world.”
(Revelation 3:8, 10 NLT)
“He that has begun a great work in you is faithful to perform it… Our God is faithful!”
Those are the words I spoke of earlier that have been playing in my spirit. Those are the words I believe Christ and my guardian angels sent to my mind and heart to remind me that His word is good. I play this song a lot in my home and car because it uplifts me and keeps me going. When I’m feeling doubt and discouraged by the time it’s taking to reach the finish line, I play this song. When I’m feeling sad, discouraged and annoyed by this disability that’s formed inside my body, I play this song and speak prayers over my body for healing, strength and endurance. When I need more words of encouragement than what I’m reading in the Bible, I turn to this song. I play it loudly as the words speak to my heart and drowns out the human doubts and fears sent by the enemy. The Spirit of the Lord is definitely in that song and it says to me, “God is doing a great work in me!”
I leave you now in pain and discomfort from writing this message but not with a heavy heart as I did when I first started writing it. No, I leave now with peace and a feeling of renewed hope that everything will work itself out. In due time, God will blow my mind and I will reap a harvest for the seeds I’ve planted. It may seem like time and health is not on my side, but I answer and worship the creator of all things. He is the author of my story and the finisher of my book. I keep my faith, trudge forward believing that,
“He that has begun a great work in me, is faithful to perform it!” ~ Brian Courtney Wilson
Sincerely with love,
Travel photography by IG user: @christofs70