The other day I told you about a dream I had. At the time, I didn’t understand why it had come to me, nor what it meant. I wrote about it. I prayed on it. I was obedient in publicly professing this dream that I so wanted to keep quietly to myself. And I waited for a response. It’s not until today, this morning, that the dream started making some sense to me. I was told by Jesus to “teach the Gospels.” I did not know what that meant for I had never once looked to really study religious laws / teachings outside of my own recreational use of wanting to learn everything I can about the universe; let alone, did I have a natural knack / calling to be a teacher. I can’t quote scripture verbatim like the great priests, pastors, and ministers of our time. I can’t roar to the top of my lungs the teachings of the Bible. Though skilled with a pen, I still didn’t think it could or rather would be used to do any sort of teachings or serious writings about the actual Word of God. No, not me. I’m not that special!
When I started my spiritual journey, and came to terms with giving my story for the world to see, I thought I’d only focus on the logical, real life lessons I had learned and had experienced. I’d throw God in there because, of course, he governs my steps, but I had no idea it’d be on this level where I’d actually be talking about and quoting Scripture, let alone the Gospels. Again, I’m not as special as those people who preach and teach the Gospels. I’m one person. I’m a young, mere sinner who’s just trying to learn and serve God. I only want to help those people I can and who I come into contact with. Call it crazy, or insanity, but I’ve always had this strong feeling, sense or urge that if I could share my story, my experience with another, they’d be somehow saved from making the same pore choices that I once made. That my story would allow them to have a better, more fulfilling and drama-free life…
But back to the Gospels and the story at hand.
After the other day’s dream, it wasn’t until today that the message came through. I didn’t know when, I didn’t know where, nor did I know how or if I would ever start “teaching the gospels.” Yes, I’ll admit it– I was afraid! Still am, quite frankly! Not fear of spreading the message of God and Jesus’ words, but fear of the inability to effectively and properly do so. Again, I have no official teachings like the others who preach / teach God’s word. So who am I to talk?!?! But as I pondered on what to write about today, I listened to a prayer on the Abide app and it read from the scripture John 6:9.
My how interesting is that, a gospel teaching on a morning like today where I am lost and needing a response from God. Coincidence, I think not!
So I listened and I prayed. After the short prayer, I journaled the question presented to me: “What might God be saying to you in this prayer?” As I started writing the words “to write and teach the Gospels; however, I do not know how or where to begin…,” I got another message from God. It said simply, “John 6:10.” So after finishing up my writings, I opened the Bible app I was reading earlier and I turned to John 6:10NLT which read, “Tell everyone to sit down,” Jesus said. So they all sat down on the grassy slopes. (The men alone numbered about 5,000.)” Yet still, I didn’t quite understand where this was going, but my spirit lead me to read more. So I continued on reading until the end of the chapter and that’s when it hit me.
My prayers, my questions, my waiting on a response of what to do with the information I had from the dream and how I should go about doing it suddenly came flooding in when I read John 6:43-47NLT which says, ““But Jesus replied, “Stop complaining about what I said. For no one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them to me, and at the last day I will raise them up. As it is written in the Scriptures, ‘They will all be taught by God.’ Everyone who listens to the Father and learns from him comes to me. (Not that anyone has ever seen the Father; only I, who was sent from God, have seen him.) “I tell you the truth, anyone who believes has eternal life.”
As tears filled my eyes, I read on further. Since I am only human, I still begged to spiritually ask the question while seeing myself back in that dream now kneeling at the foot of Jesus Christ sitting on his throne, I humbly asked, “But what does that have to do with me? Is that why you turned me away at first when I came seeking you out?” As I continued to read on in John 6:63-65NLT, Jesus responded to my very question by stating, ““The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But some of you do not believe me.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning which ones didn’t believe, and he knew who would betray him.) Then he said, “That is why I said that people can’t come to me unless the Father gives them to me.”
I knew at that very moment I had gotten my answer. For so long I had been longing for a connection with Jesus Christ. I had wanted to hear his voice, see his face, know if he’d heard me, my prayers and if he had forgotten me. I’ve suffered a lot and felt like Job did in the Bible. Just like he, I too had everything I could’ve wished and asked for one day and in the next, it all just suddenly become lost to me in one foul swoop. Job loss, check. Opportunities stopped knocking. Success started evading me. Everyone I loved and cared about suddenly died. I went bankrupt. I lost my apartment, friends, family, savings. I lost my mind. I was betrayed by family who disowned me, left me abandoned and homeless. I was talked about and mistreated by peers and loved ones I thought was in my corner. I was sued by family members and mocked in court by my own dad, uncles, aunts and cousins. I was being physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally dragged, drained of all my energy and torn apart. I felt hopeless and lost all sense of the word ‘hope.’ I didn’t think God liked me, I didn’t think he even loved me. I couldn’t understand why he’d taken so much from me and furthermore, why it all happened at once.
I didn’t feel like I had done anything wrong. Yes I may had strayed away from church, but I never gave up his teachings. I was hurt by church folk and just needed a break. I needed to find my own journey, my own pathway to God, especially since at that point, I didn’t feel like I had anything more to gain by being there and I wasn’t learning the scriptures for myself. Though, I never denounced my faith in him. I always knew and acknowledge a higher power. I still prayed, read and did as instructed of me to do by tirelessly taking care of my elderly grandmother through all of the drama that her drug addicted sons who were leaching off her and mistreating her. Through everything, I still did what I had to out of love. So I just couldn’t understand why I had lost so much, even her.
But it’s through all of that mess of a tornado-monsoon that came swooping into my life, that I grew even closer to God. I craved wanting to know his ways and teachings as if it was the very food and air I needed to breathe. I couldn’t, still can’t, survive without reading and needing the Word. So when I went to the pastor in my dream, who I eventually know now and identify as Jesus Christ, at the time, I couldn’t understand nor fathom the embarrassment of why he turned me away. Why’d he lead me into the wilderness and seemingly to stray away from him and his teachings? Why was I not at that time chosen to hear his precious words?
I know now it was all apart of the masterplan. I was meant to go through everything, including being turned away, in order to be called back to where I belonged. Like in this reality, I tried to find my own way in the world. I tried making my own path. Yet no matter how hard I tried to fit in, it was clear I wasn’t like the rest. I wasn’t meant to fit in. I was meant to be with God. I was meant to follow Jesus Christ and his teachings. So when I finally left and went back down that very path, to that very same church, to that very same pastor presiding over that congregation, it felt right. It felt like I was going home. Though I was initially scared to be seen, fear of being thrown out again, but this time He welcomed me and asked me to sing. Though I was scolded, it was a good scold. Like the ones our parents give us if we do something silly like touch a hot stove and burn our hands. It’s not that the parent is mad at the child for being so foolish, it’s that the parent is disappointed in the child for not trusting in their guidance in taking better precautions for their life.
But like all parents must learn, sometimes you have to let your child go and make foolish choices and decisions in order for them to grow and learn from their mistakes. Mines was thinking I wasn’t good enough to be in his presence and that I somehow had a better shot at making it to the top if I walked away, wavering from the path. But thanks be unto God for guiding me back to the one whom I belong. It’s only He who can give me to the Son. I know that now.
I leave you dear friends with these words, I pray that God guides you on a spiritual journey you need to be on. The kind that tears you apart and fills you with love, lessons and teachings deep down inside. I pray that you become one with the universe, one with Christ and believe in His calling on your life. May you trust your journey and allow the spirit to lead you on the path chosen for you. In Jesus’ precious name I pray, Amen!
Sincerely and humbly,