This just happened to me again. Even sadder, it’s been happening to me over and over; yet, I foolishly hold out hope that things will change.
All my life, my family never supported my dreams and the things that I wanted to do with my life. It was always about what they wanted me to do. Even when I did what they wanted, I was miserable, depressed and felt so alone. And you know what my family said, “Oh well, you’ll be ok. Just hang in there. Don’t quit your job!”
How disgusting is that for my family to say those things to me!?? Why is the meaning of survival the epitome of misery?
I shouldn’t have to be miserable just to make a dollar. Why can’t my dreams become revenue?
I know it may not be “Christian” to think this way: but I can’t wait when the day comes that my dreams become my reality and my revenue. Then I can turn to all the haters, including my family, and say “SUCK IT!”
I’m tired of being the laughing, black sheep of the family. I’m tired of losing everything and gaining nothing but perspective. I’m tired of not winning.
They say, “lose as if you’re used to losing and win as if you’re used to winning.”
But the reality is that’s easier said than done. When you’ve been a person that loses, and continues to lose until there’s nothing left to lose but your life, it’s hard to fathom the idea of winning. You wouldn’t even know what winning felt, smelled or tasted like because for so long, you’ve lost!
Yes, you can pray about it. Tell God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit just how you feel. But does that miraculously take the thought / pain away from being the clown? Yes, morally you’re soul will feel good about it; however, we’re human beings who live in a real mortal world where losing gets you nowhere in life but teasing, ridicule, jeers, scolding, useless, not-so-good / depressed feelings.
I don’t have all the answers nor am I perfect. I, like many, have wished revenge on those who wronged me, hated on me, didn’t support my dreams, etc. Unfortunately, I’ve failed. Seeking revenge is for the lucky people who have the skills and means to do so. I have a heart. Hate that I do, but I also have empathy. It’s because of my feelings, thoughts and beliefs on karma that I don’t get revenge. Pathetic, maybe. But it’s my life. I have to live it.
So I continue to just push through. I may not have everything I hope for, desire and want, but I do what I need to survive. For now, I just have to continue being my sole supporter, cheering myself on daily hoping, praying that one day I’ll know what it feels like to be a winner instead of always losing.